Do you like your body?

Chances are that you will say ‘no’ or ‘not all parts’ or ‘who does?’. Liking our body and the appearance of it can feel super alien and for some is completely unfathomable. I am not going to talk about deep seated body image issues in this blog. That is a very sensitive topic that requires some special support and guidance. If you suffer from painful body image struggles or from body dysmorphia, maybe skip this blog for now (maybe have a look if any of my other blogs feel safer for you right now!)

What I want to talk about today is something called ‘normative discontent’ – which is described as a culturally common, perpetual and normalised shame and unhappiness with what we have (in particular our bodies).

Does that resonate with you in terms of how you feel about yourself (and maybe your life)? Or how you talk to others? Do you chime in with negative statements and comments when the conversation turns to body issues?

I have certainly done that. Sometimes it’s easier to complain than to talk about the good things. Especially when someone is feeling low, telling them that we are also unhappy or have gone through something similar (with whatever it is) feels somewhat appropriate and supportive. And whilst you may not necessarily want to go on about how wonderful life is when your friend is feeling shit, how would it feel to just listen and to really hear them?

Empathy is “the ability to share someone else’s feelings or experiences by imagining what it would be like to be in that person’s situation’ – not to add your own feelings and experiences. (A little side-note: I don’t believe it’s always helpful to recount how you have felt ‘that exact same way’ because if someone is opening up to you about how they feel and you then proceed telling them that you felt the same and launch into how and why, you are not showing empathy, you are making it about yourself – but that’s a topic for another blog! – or you can listen to Glennon Doyle’s podcast episode about communicating more effectively and listening more).

Feeling shame and unhappiness with what we have stems from continuously comparing ourselves with others and living in a world where productivity is the holy grail, and where we are being told to strive for more all the bloody time. Being still and not producing/doing/working is seen as lazy and unmotivated. Society puts high achievers and those complying with the social norm on top of the hierarchy.

So, how does this relate to body image?

In women in particular (but certainly not exclusively!) this is reflected in our dissatisfaction and unhappiness (even hatred) of our bodies. Negative body talk is a way of connecting with each other, and moreover, it is socially normative and accepted (even expected!). When our friends complain about their weight gain, we complain about our own; when someone criticises their body, we find something to criticise about ours. But on the flip side, if someone tells us how good they feel because of something they have done, we feel bad (guilty?) for not doing the same for ourselves, for not achieving or for failing – and that then leads to feeling not good enough. In terms of our bodies, diet culture has made it quite clear that we are morally superior if we are thin and adhere to standard beauty ideals. Why don’t more people question this?

There is so much comparison with others, and usually to the detriment of how we feel about ourselves. The really challenging aspect of this is that putting ourselves down and talking negatively about and to ourselves is culturally and socially accepted and expected. Making ourselves small is seen as humble. Talking about your wins or what you like about yourself would be seen as ‘boasting’.

I don’t have the answers to any of this but I wonder if we should start noticing when it happens, and questioning a bit more: Why do we not collectively fight against this? Why do we choose to be unhappy about our appearance rather than enjoy life? What are we so scared of - and do we want to continue living in fear of these things?

I truly believe that often we aren’t even aware of this normative discontent, it is just part of our social interactions. But I would like to challenge you (and myself!) to start noticing when it happens, and maybe trying to steer the conversation to something different, something that doesn’t perpetuate this body negativity that we foster. You could call it out if you are feeling courageous, you could change the subject, or just stay quiet (sometimes not responding can be powerful).

Let me hear your thoughts on this!

And if you would like to explore this further, book a free discovery call to see how I can support you on your journey to body acceptance and a more positive relationship with food and your body!